-my friends are the best. lol funny how this morning I was pitying myself cuz I dont have friends who are there for me. they told me yesterday they couldnt stop by my shop and keep me company today cuz that Dawn of the Dead movie is comin to the Rocky Mount theater. yea made me feel special right. I asked Chanh to come but he couldnt so I figure I might as well take advantage of this gloomy weather and sleep in the shop. just as I was layin my head down and bout to go in depress mode, Sarah, Kayla, Josh, Zane, and Jason popped in. we goofed around the whole time and they left at 4:15 so they wouldnt miss the movie. yea how sweet of them to not go to the 3:00 showing and went to the 4:30 instead...what a big sacrifice...lol jk. thought that counts..sure sure. anyway I'm glad they stopped by tho.
-another nice surprise, Todd came by and we talked for bout 10 minutes or so. it's weird how talkin to someone u havent talk to in a long time makes u realize how much u missed them. hes still expelled until end of May...makes me mad thinkin bout it. I guess I got used to not seein him around school, but when talkin to him today, I remembered how great it was to talk to him and just hang around with him. sadly we only had 10 minutes to talk before he had to go and do errands.
-I havent write in this diary and vent out my feelings in so long. I cant believe u nosy ppl are sittin there readin my feelings right now. ahh whats wrong with u people?! lolz *_~. I hate the split feeling u have when ur heart's tellin u to do one thing but ur head is tellin u to do another. honestly what I feel right now is partly to get away from all, all these situation and people, just off by myself, leave the normal life I'm used to and start a new one, fresh anew. however the other part of me still is holdin on, not being able to let go. I dunno if I'm being foolish or what but I still think there is a chance, a small hope. I may be leading myself on to really nothing. for some reason I rather take that chance then to lead myself away from something..if there is anything. its not like I want to chase after something with the possibility of nothing. its just everytime I turn myself away, the memories and strong feelings pull me back. I want to let go of it all and shut everything out but its not an easy task. its only easy when I got the signal that its time to move on, that everyone else has already moved on so I should too. I just havent got that signal, nor have I got the signal to stay, that theres something worth here to go after.
-then again, why is it me making all the effort? why should I have to wait for a signal that never seems to come? why am I doing all this worrying when I shouldnt? on my part I really have said and done all that I can. theres only so much u can do for another person before u leave and leave it up to them for the rest. theres only so many lines I can throw, so many clues I can give, before the result comes out. but the result hasnt come out. does that mean there is no result? so this all is nothing that I'm going after. why and how did I got into this? why do I keep setting myself up for disappointments when I deserve better. the person is obviouly special but not special enough for all the begging I have done and efforts I have gave. I thought my expectations were too high but there are other ppl who are willin to reach my expectations and beyond...except for him. I have other options and choices but yet I pick the one who shows me the least appreciation and gives the least effort. all these other guys who treated me the best way they can, I made them my friends while the guy who puts me aside, I put him above everyone else. with everything in perspective, I have no regrets, just foolishness on my part. I cant blame anyone but myself for placing all my hope on one person. I should have known this whole time that I was setting myself up for something really great or a really hard fall. sadly it ended up being the second answer.
-anywayz so depressing right. I was doin so good not lettin all this get to me. then I had to talk to him again and the memory rushed back. I should have stayed away and block everything out, but I didnt want to shut him out like that. I do all this for him but he does nothing for me. this trip to DC for 3 days is exactly what I need, get away from it all. I'm not sure what will happen when I get back, what I should do. I havent seen any progress and I cant wait forever. I guess theres my signal, move on.
-another nice surprise, Todd came by and we talked for bout 10 minutes or so. it's weird how talkin to someone u havent talk to in a long time makes u realize how much u missed them. hes still expelled until end of May...makes me mad thinkin bout it. I guess I got used to not seein him around school, but when talkin to him today, I remembered how great it was to talk to him and just hang around with him. sadly we only had 10 minutes to talk before he had to go and do errands.
-I havent write in this diary and vent out my feelings in so long. I cant believe u nosy ppl are sittin there readin my feelings right now. ahh whats wrong with u people?! lolz *_~. I hate the split feeling u have when ur heart's tellin u to do one thing but ur head is tellin u to do another. honestly what I feel right now is partly to get away from all, all these situation and people, just off by myself, leave the normal life I'm used to and start a new one, fresh anew. however the other part of me still is holdin on, not being able to let go. I dunno if I'm being foolish or what but I still think there is a chance, a small hope. I may be leading myself on to really nothing. for some reason I rather take that chance then to lead myself away from something..if there is anything. its not like I want to chase after something with the possibility of nothing. its just everytime I turn myself away, the memories and strong feelings pull me back. I want to let go of it all and shut everything out but its not an easy task. its only easy when I got the signal that its time to move on, that everyone else has already moved on so I should too. I just havent got that signal, nor have I got the signal to stay, that theres something worth here to go after.
-then again, why is it me making all the effort? why should I have to wait for a signal that never seems to come? why am I doing all this worrying when I shouldnt? on my part I really have said and done all that I can. theres only so much u can do for another person before u leave and leave it up to them for the rest. theres only so many lines I can throw, so many clues I can give, before the result comes out. but the result hasnt come out. does that mean there is no result? so this all is nothing that I'm going after. why and how did I got into this? why do I keep setting myself up for disappointments when I deserve better. the person is obviouly special but not special enough for all the begging I have done and efforts I have gave. I thought my expectations were too high but there are other ppl who are willin to reach my expectations and beyond...except for him. I have other options and choices but yet I pick the one who shows me the least appreciation and gives the least effort. all these other guys who treated me the best way they can, I made them my friends while the guy who puts me aside, I put him above everyone else. with everything in perspective, I have no regrets, just foolishness on my part. I cant blame anyone but myself for placing all my hope on one person. I should have known this whole time that I was setting myself up for something really great or a really hard fall. sadly it ended up being the second answer.
-anywayz so depressing right. I was doin so good not lettin all this get to me. then I had to talk to him again and the memory rushed back. I should have stayed away and block everything out, but I didnt want to shut him out like that. I do all this for him but he does nothing for me. this trip to DC for 3 days is exactly what I need, get away from it all. I'm not sure what will happen when I get back, what I should do. I havent seen any progress and I cant wait forever. I guess theres my signal, move on.